


mycigarette

by DONGPYOWO



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Chan is Felix’s cousin, Changbin is 19, Felix is 15, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix are Best Friends, M/M, No Sex, No Smut, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-08 04:45:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17974730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DONGPYOWO/pseuds/DONGPYOWO
Summary: felix knows this isn’t right. he’s only in his second year of high-school, still fifteen years old. changbin’s a nineteen year old he met because of his cousin. seungmin’s and jisung’s voice echoes in the back of his head, hesitantly congratulating him but also reminding him that he was still a minor.but the way changbin makes him feel is so much better than cigarettes and the taste of smoke from a juul. felix still takes the stick from changbin’s fingers when he offers it to felix. inhaling slowly. exhaling slowly. it feels nice. the way changbin makes him feel, the way the nicotine feels.





	mycigarette

_“i want you addicted to me_

_i was one of your cigarettes_

_the smell of your pastel breathing_

_just makes me love you even more_

_my love is on fire.”_

_—cigarette byoffandoff_

 

 

 

felix feels content. the steady rise and fall of changbin’s chest as they lay together on their school rooftop, the night sky filled with stars. felix watches changbin hold the cigarette to his lips. inhale. exhale.

 

felix knows this isn’t right. he’s only in his second year of high-school, still fifteen years old. changbin’s a nineteen year old he met because of his cousin. seungmin’s and jisung’s voice echoes in the back of his head, hesitantly congratulating him but also reminding him that he was still a minor.

 

but the way changbin makes him feel is so much better than cigarettes and the taste of smoke from a juul. felix still takes the stick from changbin’s fingers when he offers it to felix. inhaling slowly. exhaling slowly. it feels nice. the way changbin makes him feel, the way the nicotine feels.

 

felix was never big on smoking or drinking, though he wouldn’t pass down any offershe also wouldn’t go out of his way to bribe an adult into buying him his own. too risky. he brings the cigarette to his lips one more time to feel the smoke fill his lungs and leave it as quickly as it came. he felt warm.

 

“you still have physical education to think about,” changbin says, staring at the cigarette. “isn’t breathing a bitch these days?” felix just shrugs. he knows he has breathing problems and that smoking probably isn’t the best idea, but a little smoke once in a while won’t hurt him, right?

 

“my friends say the same thing,” felix says with a smile. the day they found out he willingly smoked after going over to their house smelling like blackberry from a juul pod and a little bit like beer. “must be scary for them to watch me hyperventilate.” he jokes. it’s silent for a moment and felix inhales once again, exhaling slowly.

 

changbin carefully takes it from felix, deciding it was time to take a break. “i know your friends don’t like me,” he says after the long silence. felix can’t see changbin’s face, his back against the older’s chest as changbin leaned against the fence. “they’re not good at hiding it. they should stare a little less menacingly.”

 

felix just shrugs, looking at the almost empty beer bottles. he picks up a bottle and takes a sip. “it’s not that they don’t like you,” felix says. “they’re just a little skeptical.” changbin smiles softly, resting his chin on felix’s head.

 

“i’d be skeptical too if my underage friend were dating someone way older than him,” changbin says teasingly. “also a bit of a druggie too? it’s a bad influence for little felix. the lee felix who maintains his perfect grades despite being purposely late to every class.”

 

felix chuckles a little. “even if i came early, it’s not like i’d learn anything.” and changbin almost responds with a _‘who know’_ but decides against it since he wouldn’t know either. he barely ever came to class let alone been early for it. “i still remember the day i met you,” changbin says after letting out the smoke in his lungs. “your cousin absolutely hates me, but thankfully i was put into a project with him. imagine what chan would do if he were to find out about his baby cousin dating me.” felix can hear the slight tease in changbin’s voice, but also the uncertainty.

 

“it’s not like he’ll ever know, he doesn’t need to know,” felix felt changbin go stiff at his words, the arm wrapped around felix’s waste now loose. “what’s wrong?” felix asks, craning his neck to look at changbin.

 

“chan found out about us,” changbin says quickly. felix’s breath hitches. all hope of him and changbin staying together now gone. “he said he’d be glad to report me. for dating a minor and willingly giving you this stuff.”

 

felix loves chan, he really does. he’s seen him as his brother instead of just a cousin, but all he wants to do is scream. he wants to yell at chan for wanting to ruin the relationship between him and changbin. though he can’t seem to feel resentment knowing they couldn’t stay together forever. felix knows they couldn’t hide forever.

 

“are you thinking about breaking up with me?” felix asks softly, wishing he was drunk for this. changbin shakes his head. “i don’t want to break up, but i know we have to.” felix feels his heart break. changbin’s always been his support, being able to look past the tough act changbin puts up to reveal the side of the older no one else can see.

 

the changbin who tried to quickly hide his stuffed animals before letting felix into his room. the changbin who, despite claiming to love the dark, was nothing but rainbows whenever felix and him were alone. the changbin felix fell even more in love with after he had messily asked felix out on a date, face red and hands shaking as he tried to hand the roses.

 

felix’s heart breaks even more after realizing once him and changbin separate, he’ll never get to see changbin the way he wants to see him. won’t see shy and flustered changbin who would hold felix tightly every night in fear of him leaving. he won’t run into changbin’s arms when needing comfort after feeling so drained at home.

 

changbin also doesn’t want to leave.

 

he doesn’t want to let felix go; felix who would also bring his own stuffed animals so changbin wouldn’t feel embarrassed. felix who would jump at the slightest sudden noise and run to changbin for protection. felix who saw the good in everyone and everything, not giving up on changbin even if the older of the two was always scared about opening up.

 

felix looks at the stars, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and blink the tears away. “i don’t want to end this.” he whispers into the night. he doesn’t know if he’s telling changbin or wishing upon the brightest star, but he hopes everything is okay in the end.

 

“i don’t either,” changbin says. “but i’m also going away for college lix. how are we supposed to keep this up? think about how people would think about us, about you. dating a college student and you haven’t even turned seventeen yet.” felix shakes his head, not wanting to listen to changbin try and convince him that splitting up is their best option.

 

but felix knows he has to think about changbin’s feelings too. he knows the older’s scared about how people will think of them. “i love you,” felix says one more time. “and i’ll wait forever, even if you don’t want to wait for me.” changbin presses his lips against the side of felix’s neck.

 

“i love you felix.” he mumbles quietly. felix tries not to show he’s crying. changbin’s moving away for college, the chances of him finding someone that would be a better choice than felix high. after all, felix will always be just a kid to changbin. even if felix looks up to changbin with stars in his eyes and all the adoration and love he has to offer, he’d be nothing but a mere memory. just a high school student.

 

“forever?” felix asks, not expecting anything.

 

“lix...” changbin says. felix just sighs. “never mind.” felix says. it’s quiet for a moment. changbin shifts from behind felix, carefully moving the boy and standing, beer bottles in his hand.

 

“it’s late lix, chan should be here to pick you up,” felix’s throat goes dry, the air in his lungs hurt. it burns and begs for felix to let go. changbin looks to him one more time and hands him something from his hoodie pocket. a keychain and their cheap promise ring. “goodbye felix.” changbin walks off to the rooftop door to leave. felix feels all the air forcefully leave him, feeling weak.

 

he can’t breathe. he wants to feel changbin one more time. he’s addicted to him, wants to feel changbin on his fingertips and taste the nicotine and beer from his lips. felix feels so drained. he clutches the ring and keychain as he screams.

 

“i hate you!” he yells desperately. “i hate you! i hate you! i hate you!” felix feels the tears fall faster and faster every time he says those words and decided to stop lying to himself and his heart. “i love you. i’m sorry.” he whispers. felix looked like he was begging for love, knees on the ground as he hoped for changbin to listen. felix takes a look at the rooftop, hoping changbin was there. all that was left was the pack of cigarettes. felix takes the small box and shoves it in his pocket.

he shakily stands up, trying to remember late night hangouts on the roof, tears still falling.

 

once he’s cried himself dry, he walks back down slowly, making his way to where chan was waiting for him with guilt in his eyes. he ignores chan calling his name softly and instead goes straight to the backseat. he doesn’t spare chan a glance even when the elder also enters the car.

 

seungmin and jisung pretend they’re not relieved when felix shows up to school the next day and tells them the news since they knew felix really loves changbin. they hold him close and try to console him.

 

changbin tries to pretend he can’t see the way felix longingly stares at him. felix ignores the fact that changbin will never look at him again. not tomorrow, not the day after, not in a week, not for a month nor a moment.

 

but felix doesn’t remember the school year going by so quickly. doesn’t remember days of self loathing and nights on the rooftop where he’d take out the cigarette pack changbin left behind to smoke away his regrets. he lost himself in the cloud of smoke and suddenly he’s watching the seniors graduate. felix can’t help to pity himself because changbin looked so happy on stage, ready to accept his diploma and move on.

 

felix ignores seungmin and jisung looking at him during the ceremony, ignoring the way felix stares at changbin with all the love in the world but without the same stars in his eyes as before. he still claps for him though, leaving once chan and changbin’s names were called. felix tries to push past the families to safely make it to the rooftop. he can hear the soft chatter and music.

 

felix takes out the last cigarette in the box, lighting it up. he knows he can’t be mad, or even sad for too long. it was for the best.

 

even if it hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> yes this is based on my relationship a few years ago. yes i was underage, yes he was graduating. 
> 
> yes i smoked back then and yes i still smoke now. 
> 
> but no, him and i do not keep in touch anymore after his friends found out he was dating an underage boy. but yes, i’ve moved on.


End file.
